Loneliness of Immortality
by Corsiva Vyrae
Summary: China stood behind his front door, slipping into his mask. Hiding a man who still screamed in pain, who was still hurting inside and was still haunted every night by the past that was long gone.


**Disclaimer: I don't own APH…not history. **

The country stared out of the wide window, quietly sipping his tea. Setting his cup down, he watched the grass dance in the passing breeze, his eyes blank and expressionless. The old nation didn't say a thing, not even bothering to brush away his bangs as they, too, waved in the wind. His long hair tied in a ponytail also greeted an invisible visitor. He closed his eyes, shutting out the peaceful scene of the light green grass and the forget-me-not sky. The room he was in was bare, except for a few items on the dust-covered shelves, as if nobody had lived in it for years. The man opened his amber eyes once more, turning towards an old, old painting. He picked it up, his cold eyes shining with unshed tears as he stared at the picture of frozen happiness, remembering memories he longed to return to.

"_Chugoku-aniki?" The little, black haired boy called out tentatively, peering through the slightly ajar door. China turned his head, smiling at the round face with big, dark brown eyes. "Want to watch the moon with me, aru?" He invited, patting the place beside him after scooting over a bit. Japan walked forward, sitting down on the porch steps, settling beside the older nation. He looked over at China, who was watching the sky. "China-aniki is pretty. Like a sakura tree. Very peaceful. But why does he looks sad?" Japan blushed at what he blurted out. China smiled serenely "Thank you, aru. The moon just brings back many memories." He glanced at Japan's worried look "Ah, don't worry about me, aru!" China reached over and pinched Japan's soft cheeks, earning a glare._

"_Aiyah! Look at the moon! So beautiful, aru!" China said, pointing at the round, white orb hanging in the sky. Japan nodded quietly. "She must feel quite alone there in the sky, aru…" China said, his voice suddenly sober, an underlying tone of sadness weighing his voice. Japan looked confused "But she has all the stars to keep her company, right?" Japan glanced at the twinkling dots scattered in the night sky, like silver glitter. China shook his head. "The stars never last, aru. Many die, many are born. But the moon is there forever, watching her companions go and making new ones." Little Japan looked up into the sky again, feeling pity for the moon. _

"_Is that how you feel, aniki?" China faced upwards again, his eyes stinging as wetness slid down his cheeks. "Many a time, I do, aru. I have been here so long, seen so many things, fought so many wars and been abandoned so many times. Now all these new problems make this old man want to rest, aru." Japan moved closer towards China, embracing him. China returned the hug, pulling Japan closer. "Thank you for staying with me, aru. It's times like these when I can say that I am not alone." China cradled Japan's head, softly humming a lullaby. Soon, the boy's head drooped and his mouth fell slack._

_China wiped away his tears, gathering up the small nation in his arms and walked back into the house, entering Japan's room and laying him down on his bed. "Goodnight, Kiku-chan.." China whispered before tucking the blanket over the sleeping form, blowing out the oil lamp on the bedside before going back to his room to sleep._

China put the painting of him and Japan back in its place; his eyes traveling towards a sword mounted on the wall by brackets. He reached up for the sword, grasping the handle tightly with shaking hands. The blade that had gotten him through so much, the thing that kept him alive, seemed so heavy in his hands, so foreign. He once used this sword with such skilled expertise. But after that day, he had moved into martial arts. He swung the sword, his old training coming back to him, because even though he could not remember how, his body always would. He tried to continue the move, only to be stopped by a rush of memories that flooded his mind.

_It was raining, droplets of water turning the soft soil into mud that splattered onto the silk cheongsam of the Asian country as he dropped his sword. "Kiku-chan, I can't-" "It's Japan now. My name is Japan." Japan's eyes flashed angrily as he held his katana offensively, pointing the sharp edge towards his only elder brother. China sobbed as the hard words pierced his heart. "I can't let you, Nihon, I can't. Please, please don't leave me!!" He cried out, his voice cracking as he stared into the eyes that once shone with such innocence. "I want my freedom." Japan said as he watched as China tried to stand up, shakily turning around and walking away. "I can't. I just can't. I'm so sorry, Nihon." China heard the squelching of shoes on mud. "Then I'm sorry as well." There was a sharp pain at his back as the blade pierced through his skin. China screamed out in agony, dropping to the ground. Japan looked down at the immortal coldly "Those who can't fight for themselves don't deserve to live." Sliding his sword back into its place, he turned around and walked away. China watched through his blurring vision at the retreating back of his first brother. He reached his hand out, clutching only at air. "Don't…leave…me…" China sobbed weakly, feeling his energy draining along with the crimson liquid that freely flowed from the long, deep gash on his back. China felt the darkness overcome him, pulling him under the dark water. Dull amber eyes slowly slid shut. "Ni….hon…."_

China dropped the sword, clutching his head in pain of the memory. The long, disfiguring scar on his back ached, constantly reminding him of that day, never letting him forget. China covered his face with his hands, trying to calm himself down. He wasn't weak, he had to stand up for himself, he had to face the ghosts of his past. Something glinted on the shelf, catching the man's attention. He walked forward, grabbing the object and brushed away the years of dust, only to have fresh tears sting his eyes as the dirt revealed the picture of the person he had given his heart to.

"_Little Jao will stay with Russia always, da?" The platinum-blonde haired man said, hugging China from behind. China blushed, looking upwards to see amethyst eyes staring down at him. "As long as you won't leave me, aru." China said, trying to ignore the familiar pang of pain as he thought of his little brother. Russia noticed the flash of sadness in China's amber eyes. "Is something wrong, Little Jao?" He asked, looking concerned. China laughed at the cute expression, reaching up and tapping the others nose lightly. "I'm fine, aru. You make me feel all better."_

_Russia took the small hand in his, relishing the comfort of warmth. "China is very warm, da?" China laughed, sitting down beside the country. He looked out the window, surprised to see the white orb in the sky. "Another full moon, aru?" China said, walked towards the ledge. Russia appeared behind him again, enveloping him in a large hug. "Little Jao likes the moon?" Russia asked, curious about China's newly discovered interest. China didn't reply, instead tightening Russia's hold on him, leaning into the embrace. Russia was still curious but didn't press it, feeling that it was a touchy subject he didn't have to know about. Russia heard China sigh, seeing a longing look on the others face. "Little Jao is beautiful, da? You look like a girl. The most beautiful girl in the world." China slapped Russia's arm lightly, feeling silent laughter rumble through Russia's chest. China pinched the soft cheeks of the large man, smiling happily. "Let's go to sleep now, aru? It's getting late." Russia nodded and leaned down to kiss China, holding the others hand as they walked to their room silently._

China gripped the picture harder, his tears making small droplets on the dusty glass. He hugged it, trying to remember the feeling of those familiar arms wrapped around him, trying to resurrect that feeling of comforting warmth that engulfed his whole being. He felt cold again, the ghostly warmth ebbing away slowly as he looked back out towards the dimming sky.

"_Ivan, I…I don't understand…I thought-""Then maybe you thought wrong." China felt tears sting the back of his eyes as the cold voice penetrated the air, so hauntingly familiar. Russia stood before him, towering over China's kneeling figure, as he glared down at the smaller man. "You…you said we were in this to….together!!" China could no longer hold back his sobs as he cried out to tall stranger before him. "My new boss says I can no longer be with you." China's amber eyes widened as he stared into unfamiliar amethyst ones. He reached his hand out and grabbed Russia's boot, desperately trying to hold on as he was being shaken off. "Please! Don't! Don't leave me!!! Not again!! Don't leave!!! I'll stay with you, I promise! Please!! Stay…!" China's begging choked off into a gurgled sob as Russia kicked him in the ribs, causing his hands to loosen their grip. "Goodbye, Little Jao…" China clutched his torso in pain, but that couldn't compare to the agonizing feeling that wracked through his body as he watched the back getting farther and farther from his reach, never to return. He slumped forward, his head coming in contact with floor. And he lay there, left with nothing but his shattered heart lying in pieces around his limp figure._

China put the picture down, he didn't know why he wanted to drudge up such memories, but he started already, no point in stopping halfway. He looked up towards the last picture, trying to brace himself from the onset of memories that rushed in. He grabbed it, staring down at the image of a happier self, standing with the last man he trusted. China wished he didn't make the mistakes he had made, hoping to take everything back and make it all right again. He always caught himself hoping they'd come back to him and everything would fall back into place. He shook his head, how naïve he was, if they came back to him, how was he ever going to choose between the three of them? They all probably hated him anyway, so it was a waste of time hoping for the impossible. Tears slid down his cheeks as he traced the outline of the blonde haired man's face, feeling the painful pang of betrayal over again.

"_China? You there?" The blonde haired man called out, his voice echoing throughout the dark house. "I'm here, aru." China's hoarse voice called out, the sound coming from the living room. England pushed the door open, revealing the Asian man staring out of the wall-length window. England's sharp eyesight spotted China's small shoulders shaking, his hands clenched into tight fists behind his back. _

_China didn't turn around to face him, so England made his way over to him instead, wrapping his arms around the others slim waist. "You've been acting like this all day, is something the matter?" England whispered as he buried his face into the soft, brown hair. He brought one hand up to remove the ribbon keeping the hair held up in a ponytail, letting it fall on China's shoulders. China turned to face England, looking up into the bright emerald eyes that seemed to shine in the dark. "I'm alright, aru." He said, bringing his hand up to pinch England's rosy cheeks gently. _

_England pulled China closer, raking one hand through the immortal's hair "The tears in your eyes say otherwise, love." England said softly, brushing the tears away with his thumb. He put his hand under China's chin, forcing him to look up. "Why are you sad?" China tried to avert his gaze, but that only resulted in England pulling his face closer to his. "You look very beautiful when you blush, very red, like the roses in our garden." He leaned in even closer. "But no rose could ever compare to your beauty…" China's blush went even redder. England tucked a stray lock of brown hair behind China's ear, kissing the older nation before resuming his first position and staring out the window as well. "It's a full moon again, aru." China breathed, trying to stop more tears from welling up in his eyes again. England wanted to ask why China was so bothered about the beautiful orb in the sky before China spoke. "Let's go to sleep, aru. I'm feeling quite tired." England nodded and they pulled the curtains closed, engulfing the room in darkness._

China looked around him, it was getting darker, and everything was bathed in an orange glow. He dropped the picture, not hearing the sound of shattering glass as he stared at the shriveled rose petals on the floor. He touched the ribbon holding his hair, tugging on it and letting his hair fall freely onto his shoulders; it had grown longer and now seemed to be past his shoulders. He picked up one petal carefully, but age had made it crumble into black dust as soon as he dropped it into his hand. More tears spilled, traveling down his pale face.

"_Ouch! England! Let go of me, aru! That hurts!!!" England had grabbed China's wrist harshly, holding it in a death grip. China looked up fearfully into the green eyes that now looked down at him menacingly. England gripped harder, causing China's hand to turn white as the blood flow was cut off. He was covered in cuts and there were bruises on his face and body and one black eye. England had snapped at him one day and changed completely. China was so afraid of this England, he didn't want to believe that this was the same England that kissed him good morning everyday. _

"_England! Stop, aru!!!" China could no longer feel his fingers as he tried to pull away. China looked away from England, he couldn't look at the face that used to look so gentle and happy. He was suddenly thrown into the wall as England's fist connected with his cheek. "Shut up. Disobedience will get you nowhere." China knew his jaw was broken, and he watched in muted horror as England placed one foot on his arm that was lying uselessly by his side as he lay there, not able to move. "I'm tired of your antics, China. It's useless fighting against me, and you know it. Give me Hongkong now before you regret ever trying to assemble your soldiers for defense."_

_China squeezed his eyes shut, wishing it was all just a dream, and that he would wake up to the England he knew and loved. England put more pressure on the arm, threatening to break it. China used all the willpower he had to open his mouth and not scream, his words coming out in a slur. "But…he…'s….onl…y…a…chil…d…" England smirked, raising his foot before bringing it back down with brute force. China heard the sickening crunch before the pain, but when the pain caught up a second after, he let out a strangled scream, choking it back into a gurgled sob. England stared down at China in disdain and kicked him in the ribs, taking China by his collar and slamming him into the wall. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. You were saying?" China was about to shake his head before he was punched in the face. "You have to speak louder, China. I'm getting hard of hearing here-" "Aniki?" England was cut off by a small voice coming from the shadow by the doorway._

"_ANIKI!!!" The little boy rushed towards China as England let him drop to the floor, stepping back to let the boy through. The small nation knelt down beside his older brother, sobbing as he laid China's head in his lap. He turned his head towards England, his brown eyes furious. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!" England laughed, walking towards the boy casually. "Is this little Honkong?" China couldn't reply, the pain was overwhelming and he could barely keep his eyes open. Suddenly, China's head dropped to the floor. His eyes shot open to see England holding Hongkong away from him, pulling him away. China wanted to smile as he watched Hongkong finally put into use the martial arts they had been practicing to good use. The boy kicked England in the side, causing England's hold on him to loosen. England swore as he got up, holding his side in slight pain. China saw Hongkong stand before him, defending him against the cruel man walking towards them. _

"_Ho….Hong….kong…" China reached out, grabbing the boy's hand shakily. "Aniki, stay still, you are hurt. You shouldn't be talking." China shook his head slowly. "You….must….go….or…we will….both…be….killed…" Hongkong cried silently as China slipped his authentic bracelet into the smaller nation's hand. "Don't…forget….your…roots…li….ttle….one…When….you…can, come… back….home…" Honkong tightened his fist around the wooden beads, removing his necklace and putting it around China's neck before standing up and walking towards England. _

"_Go outside and get into the car." England said curtly to the boy, who stalked out the door. England smirked again and walked towards China, laughing cruelly as he kicked China's broken arm, hearing the loud scream bouncing off the walls. He squat down, leaning forward to whisper into China's ear "See? If you had done that sooner, I don't think it would've come to this. I'll take good care of Hongkong, don't worry." He stood up. " Goodbye, I'll see you soon again, China." He stood up and walked out the door, slamming it closed._

China knelt down and started gathering the broken pieces of glass, mentally reminding himself to a new frame for it. He still remembered what happened after that. Korea had found him lying there, shattered and broken beyond repair. China knew he could never heal; his heart was too shattered to ever be used again. He had lost trust in those around him and kept to himself, dealing with his own matters unless he really needed help. He put the picture back in its place, dusting his pants. He looked out the window, it was already night and the moon was full in the sky. China chuckled darkly to himself, he was always like this every full moon, nightmares of his past haunted him every night in the week before.

China had fought for everything he had now, he used every scrap of the dignity he had left to pull himself together, he couldn't care less if he was in pain, he had to do it for his nation. He was stupid enough to make the same mistake again and again until he learned his lesson, and by that time, it was too late to salvage any piece of the heart he once had. One last tear slid down, China knew this was the last time he would cry. He had finally run out of tears. Even though he had been through pain that he knew none of the other countries should ever experience, he survived. He stood up and rose from the hole he had fallen into, to grow stronger after each fall.

China always pushed himself to his limits because he only had one last thing to live for, and this time, he was going to make sure nothing would go to waste. He spent everyday working for his country's prosperity, trying to gain as much respect as he had more than a thousand years ago. But in these times, respect was a harder thing to gain, you had to work harder, earn more money, and invent great things to get close to the top. He leaned against the wall for support, he was so tired. More than 4000 years of wars, political struggles, heartbreak and betrayal has taken its toll on his small body. That's why he always wore long sleeves, inside and outside of his home. He didn't need the others to openly gawk at all the scars littering his arms and neck. And he didn't want remind the three countries of the past, he had forgiven them a long time ago and that was that. Nothing could change what had already happened. He blew the fire on the candle, the moon the only source of light now. He walked into his bedroom, laying on his bed and prepared himself for the world conference meeting tomorrow. He turned on his side and waited for sleep to claim him.

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The next day, China stood behind his front door, slipping into his mask. Hiding a man who still screamed in pain, who was still hurting inside and was still haunted every night by the past that was long gone. He hid the side of himself who wished to be saved from the agony that tortured him everyday, save him from the loneliness that gnawed away inside him even if he was in a room surrounded by people. He was at his breaking point, but with the strength he had gained from years of pain, he kept himself together to get his nation through this century and the next. Hiding under a happy face that laughed and seemed to have no care in the world. Wishing, hoping that someone would come to take away the pain, the hurt he felt inside.

**A/N: Yeah, I just felt all angsty all of a sudden…Took me about a week or so to finish this thing—longest one-shot I've made so far. I might have gotten some facts switched: I'm not sure if the Sino-Soviet union or the Opium Wars came first, so if anybody can tell me, then that's be great :D I've spent up all my emo-ness in this, but I'm making another angsty story currently, but it's going to be multi-chaptered (FINALLY.) and my first crossover, I'll give you a few hints:**

**-It's got swear words and an attitude problem kid (Now this is a big hint, very easy)**

**-It's a clash between a scientist and people who do tricks**

**-It's got something to do with an anime and books (Okay, this just gave it all away..)**

**Since it's multi-chaptered, and our sembreak was cancelled, I may be a bit slow on updates, so pray that I feel angsty enough to vent on writing. **

**Thanks for reading!**

**-Corsiva V.**


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